DESIRE: Calling Deep Love Into Your Life
A 24-year-old University student wrote to me:"...I'm at this very moment thinking a lot about what kind of man I would like to have in my life. What I need is a lover who is willing to be "just" a lover and not more. I meet so many great men in my sport club. Really attractive guys but they are all looking for a relationship. I think it's mainly because that's the only thing they know. They don't believe it's possible to have a friendship with an attractive woman. I want to find a friendship that's based on respect, where one of us can ask, 'can I stay over tonight?' without feeling rejected if he/she says no...and where one can, after a great night of sex, still look in each others eyes the next morning, not wanting or expecting to belong together forever..."
Finding a lover/friend/buddy/companion, the guy that's right for you, now, at this particular moment in time, requires that you look inside, gather some facts and figures and take your emotional temperature. Deciding what you really desire in your life may seem obvious but it is a tall order for many women. It can be different from time to time, from one age to another. This inner examination is the essential first step in leaving behind the old man in your life and calling in the new. It doesn't work to just want a man, any man. The world is full of men; they're all around you. How are you going to find the one that's right for you?
Many women are not very clear about what they desire. Or they have not really updated their shopping list to reflect how they have changed, who they are now and what their particular needs are at this point in life. Some women are still looking for the same kind of guy that they dated in their early twenties. Or they keep getting involved with an exact copy of daddy, don't really recognize the similarity or understand why. Or they find guys who look good on the surface but can't really fulfill the deepest longing of the heart. If you want to move forward into a more evolved relationship with men, check what kind of invitation you are subtly sending out into the world around you. Your desire and how you work with it is a catalyst for what materializes in your life. This is how the Universe works - it's the law of attraction.
A while ago, I decided I wanted to find a companion, someone my own age who shared my interests, someone who could take up some space in my heart. I have had several lovers since my marriage fell apart a few years ago but they were all too young and/or not available for anything but sex. Now I felt ripe for a relationship with heart. I wanted a man who would fit not only into my bedroom but also into the rest of my life.
I placed an ad in the local newspaper:
Seeking: Sensual Cultivated Gentleman
You are at home in your professional power and you enjoy the perks that go with the game. You know who you are and you make no excuse for yourself - on the dance floor, in the boardroom or in the bedroom. Aging is something you are doing with grace and style. You know how to laugh and your heart is open to love....
...I'm looking for an erotic relationship that allows for intimacy without sacrificing freedom.
From about 15 respondents, I weeded out 4 or 5 potential candidates and started having dinner dates and getting acquainted with these guys. It didn't take long before I realized that I had automatically, without thinking, called in the same kind of men I had known all my life. It was essential for me to reevaluate my needs: what do I really want now, at this time in my life, at my age? I don't need another husband. Do I really need a power guy, a master of the universe, a hero, a daddy who can take care of all the worldly concerns? Or do I want a man who can open my heart?
The men I met through this ad were strong, powerful and successful in a traditional masculine way. Exciting on one level and sadly disappointing on another. One is a real estate mogul who owns valuable real estate all over the city. One is an influential politician, driving an Italian sports car and smoking fat cigars. These guys seemed to exemplify the men of my generation: wealthy, professionally successful but with a weird lack of emotional intelligence and an our-of-date understanding of the evolving roll of women in today's society. It was a very confusing experience for me. I had called such men into my life, yet again, and it felt so dull, disappointing and old! I began to notice that maybe the signal I was sending didn't really match the deeper, more mature longing of my heart. I had to look deeply to discover what I wanted in a man beyond the superficial qualities of success in the outer world. At one time in my life, I wanted a man who radiated this kind of power. Do I want him now?
It took me a while to update my inner shopping list. And having an affair with one of these men helped me find clarity. I got a picture of what I don't want and with time I managed to discover what I do.
I discovered that I am ready to go deep with a man. Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about the classic time-tested monogamous relationship. I'm not talking about living together or marriage - been there, done that. No, I mean that at my age, I want to open and share deeply, whether it's conversation or sex or love. I want to feel my heart intensely and let someone in - let him in deeply. I want to be vulnerable and allow my shell-schocked heart to be blown open by love. Devastated by love. I don't think I really wanted that when I was younger, probably couldn't have handled it when I was younger, but I want it now. I want to go deep. I want to allow deep. The average man-on-the-street is not up to this kind of adventure of the heart. For this journey, I need a very special sort of emotionally and spiritually mature man.
Now, I am holding a quiet vision of this being and radiating a clear invitation to the Universe each morning when I wake and each evening when I fall asleep. I call him. I invite him to join me. I know he's out there somewhere. I don't care about the color of his hair. I don't care about his profession or the size of his bank account or the size of his dick. My desire is for the man who sees beyond my superficial façade to the essence of who I am. He is a man who appreciates all the parts of me, even my confusion. He may come tomorrow or he may show up in 10 months or 10 years. In the meantime, I am expanding my heart skills by loving the world around me, by loving what is.
What kind of man do you desire right now? Do you want a fuck-buddy for an occasional date, like the twenty-four year old student who wrote to me? Do you want a father for your children? Do you want a husband, a lover, a friend or perhaps a companion? Take some time and look into it carefully. Study your inner emotional landscape. Notice what makes you really happy. What do you want now, at this particular moment in time and space? Aside from all the Hollywood fairytales, what is your deepest desire? No matter where you choose to look, in an online dating site, at the opening of an art gallery, in a dance class or at your local pub, allow your deep desire to become clearly defined and begin radiating your request daily in a consistent way. Let your desire become the energy, the jet-fuel that manifests your future. And then let go and give yourself permission to embrace the uncertainty of life.
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