Finding a New Man
First in a Series on LoveHow do you find a man? You know what I mean: a good man, a sexy man, a real man. Our world is chock full of men as we move from teenage years, through our twenties and thirties and finally start the climb toward post-menopausal woman of a "certain age." And you may have been partnered with any number of men since you kissed that first boy back in primary school. Oh, I know that there are some exceptions but for many of us, falling in and out of love and changing partners is something we have done more times than we care to remember. And as we age the challenge of finding a good mate/friend/lover, seems ever more daunting.
Perhaps you are looking for a new love right now.
I have always had a man in my life. I remember musing with a girlfriend a few years ago, that we would never be alone because we knew exactly what to do to get and keep a man. That's only a slight exaggeration because at different times in my life, I discovered that I wanted different kinds of men. And in order to find a new man, I always had to let go of the old one. By necessity, this meant learning to also enjoy the alone time between the old lover and the new.
Shopping for Mr. Right
If you are in the market for a new man, the first thing to do is figure out what kind of man you really want at this point in your life. What exactly should the new lover have to offer: sex, love, companionship, emotional support, friendship, or all of the above? What is a true need for you and what is a nice-to-have? Your priorities can and should change over the course of your lifetime. Shopping for a man is like any other serious shopping expedition. To save time and achieve success, you need a clear idea of what you're looking for and what you're willing to spend.
Once upon a time, I wanted a man who would give me babies. I met the future father of my children on my 21st birthday. At that tender age, I was convinced that we were perfect for one another and that our love would last a lifetime. Of course, my mother knew better but who was listening to her? Looking back with 30 years of hindsight, I can only laugh at my naïveté. I now understand, and science confirms, that I unconsciously saw in him the genetic material needed to create two perfectly healthy smart kids. This man had what I wanted.
Through my rose-colored glasses, our love seemed perfect. But when we had fulfilled our underlying biological assignment, I realized that this was not a match made in heaven. And eventually, it was time to move on to the next man and the next life lesson. Anyone who has been divorce, especially where children are involved, can tell you that ending a twelve year marriage is not as simple as it looks here in print. But let's not get bogged down in details.
Men with Daddy Potential
Here's one of today's interesting man-shopping phenomenon: the single woman making a last-ditch effort to get pregnant before she turns 40. I don't know how many of this specimen I have met in the past few years but it's definitely a double-digit figure. Let me tell you, this is an especially painful life transition to watch. In most cases, these women want a man to carry the burden of childrearing with them, which makes complete sense. Unfortunately, the able-bodied men who are willing at this point in their lives to take on such a task are few and far between. In a recent workshop I had just such a pushing-forty-wants-a-baby-women. She was living with a man who didn't want to give her a child because he already had three of his own by another woman. And she didn't want to let him go. Her priorities were not yet clear - man or baby, man or baby - so she was suffering. You might be beyond the baby script but are you clear about what it is that you do want to experience with a man, with a new man?
Rewriting the Script
In today's world we have so many options in the way we love the men in our lives. Many more than we actually realize. Some women are stuck in the idea that they need to own a man. They look for full-time, live-in, sexually exclusive partnerships, preferably with a wedding ring, simply because they cannot imagine anything else. They have never seen anything else. Meanwhile, fifty percent of all such unions end with a broken heart and a divorce.
It might surprise you to know that our mental programming about love, intimacy, sex and relationship can in fact be rewritten. With some motivation, the one-woman-one-man-until-death-do-us-part thing can definitely be reworked to your own advantage. Once we begin questioning all the ways that we have been told what and how we ought to be as women, we can begin editing and rewriting our old mental concepts about men and relationship. We can create new rules that free and empower us to live and love more creatively.
To be continued...
• Bookmark or Share
