Women and Orgasm Maggie Tapert, 5.2002

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So what exactly is an orgasm? Although we think we know our own bodies quite well, I have noticed that many women experience orgasm in a narrow and limited way. At least that’s what I have observed with the hundreds of women that have participated in my seminars. Orgasm, this most powerful and divine human experience is for many women shrouded in a mystique of misinformation and shame that keeps them from really experiencing the intensity and profound joy that their bodies are actually capable of sustaining.

At the most basic level, orgasm is energy in motion. By this I mean, energy starts to build and collect somewhere in the physical body and then begins to grow and expand. When enough intensity is reached, this energy mass begins to push through all hindrance and barrier with explosive force. Imagine a volcano that finally erupts, releasing and dissipating the force that was restrained for years beneath the Earth’s surface. This manifestation of energy catapulting through our body can be experienced as pleasure or pain depending on how much energy we allow to collect and on how able we are to support the experience, either surrendering and flowing with it or closing down and resisting. A lot also depends on how far we are willing to open the "door” through which the energy wants to travel. Another orgasm image is a waterfall rushing through a large mountain gorge with tremendous force. If the space is broad and there are no obstructions or debris in the way, the water moves along smoothly and eventually will come to rest in a lake or pool below. On the other hand, if there are rocks and fallen tree trunks that have collected in the path of the forceful water, it is inevitable that a conflict of some sort will eventually arise disturbing the natural flow of the water.

The most common experience of orgasm that we know is associated with the intense stimulation of our genitals. The fact is that orgasm can occur throughout the body giving us many different responses on many different levels of our being depending on time, circumstance and intensity. I once had an orgasm in my heart when a group of people sent streams of love to me! But for now, lets focus on what most people consider the Cadillac of human experiences: sexual orgasm.

As young children, most of us discovered that "that place down there” felt wonderful when we touched it. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and experience thrilling orgasms as I learned to stroke and caress myself in the most creative ways. Hands, fingers, hairbrushes, vegetables, anything that was at hand could be used to stimulate my hungry little clit. One day I discovered that a strong jet of water could cause those divine feelings and then the bathtub became a favorite place to hang out! For some reason I sensed that this was "forbidden” pleasure but I went right ahead anyway, being extra careful not to be discovered by family members. This ecstatic physical feeling seemed more important to me than any laws, rules or customs. For most of us, masturbation was our first experience with the intensity of orgasm. If we were lucky, we continued to investigate our bodies and make more and more discoveries about how to increase the pleasure that we were able to experience. If we were not so lucky and we were shamed into hiding or denying our pleasure, a lot of suffering may have been the result.

There are many women who still carry their "bad girl” program with them well into adulthood and continue to feel guilty about experiencing and enjoying this most wonderful of body sensations. Pleasure is denied or reduced by an inner voice that keeps them connected to early childhood concepts about what is OK and how much is too much. This can be a very subtle influence but it is still one of the first things that we need to acknowledge and release in order to grow and become more ecstatic in our lives. Mommy or Mother Superior or Saint Augustine or whoever it was that insisted that we were "naughty” for enjoying our bodies, can and should be shown the door. As adults, these messages are no longer necessary or useful and certainly do not serve our highest good.

I have found that almost all women are orgasmic given the right frame of mind and the right stimulation. Most women I meet need to give themselves permission to experience more pleasure, more joy and greater fulfillment in their sexuality. First we need to determine that we actually want more, bigger, better orgasms and then it’s a small step to follow through by giving ourselves permission to actually have them.

Here are some of the basics that I think are important for women who want to expand their orgasmic potential.


1. Learn to say "yes”!

The most important thing to always remember about orgasm: in spite of what you may have learned, only you can give yourself one! Many women wait their whole lives for some wonderful guy to swing down from his white horse with the exact blueprint of her erogenous zones and the perfect knowledge of how to give her wave after wave of pleasure. Needless to say, they wait in vain. The delicious orgasm that you are waiting for can only happen when you give yourself permission on an inner level to have one. You are the author of your pleasure. No one can drag an orgasm out of you against your will and no one can produce one for you if your inner posture is "NO”. So the first work that we need to do is to look inside and find the place that can surrender with a whole-hearted "yes” to pleasure. This can take time and might even include some inner work on yourself and your patterns of behavior but your pleasure is your own personal responsibility. It is wonderful to have fulfilling sex with someone you love but the prerequisite to this joyful experience is connecting to your own inner "YES” and moving into a loving acceptance of yourself and your erotic desire.


2. Forget about the vaginal versus clitoral conflict!

Many of us have been imprinted with the ignorant/arrogant idea put forth by Sigmund Freud who posited the theory that only a vaginal orgasm was a "mature” orgasm. For decades, women have been shamed by their need and desire for clitoral stimulation, imagining that if they could finally orgasm from being penetrated, they would at long last enter the ranks of REAL women. In the groundbreaking book, "A New View of A Woman’s Body” (copyright 1991, Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers, New York) we can see for the first time in great detail the powerful pleasure instrument that we all carry between our legs. The clitoris and the labia and the vagina and the g-spot are all inner-connected into a vast delicious pleasure space. This careful examination of the physical layout of the lovely vulva greatly alters the long held view of the male medical profession that woman’s orgasm is somehow dependant upon stimulation and/or penetration by the penis.

The clitoris is the ultimate pleasure instrument. It contains a bundle of 8,000 nerve fibers. This is the highest concentration that is found anywhere else on the human body and it is twice the number of nerve endings that can be found in the penis! The wonderful thing is that it was put there to serve no other function than to give a woman pleasure. In "WOMAN An Intimate Geography” (©1999, Houghton Mifflin, NY) author Natalie Angier said, "...maybe it’s best that the clitoris normally is hidden within the vulval cleft: it is, in its way, a private joke, a divine secret, a Pandora’s box packed not with sorrow but with laughter.” And when all the ranting and raving simmers down, we begin to realize that there is not a "right” or a "wrong” way to have an orgasm. There are actually many different orgasms and they can all feel really great. It’s just a question of which one will you choose today!


3. Discover what you need!

In a recent seminar, I observed one of the participants using the Hitachi "Magic Wand” vibrator in one of our self-pleasuring rituals. She had been stimulating herself for what seemed a very long time and just when I was about to approach and suggest that she take a break and start again later, she switched the vibrator to "high” and intensified the stimulation even further. I was amazed because this machine is really powerful and the "high” speed is almost unendurably strong. I watched for a moment more and she had a massive, earth-shaking orgasm that sent shivers through all the women in the room. I realized, for the first time, that many women crave a kind of intensive stimulation that they seldom if ever get in their usual sexual contacts with a partner. Her body was extremely resilient and strong and she needed to feel these deep sensations. This extremely powerful orgasm cleansed and purged her entire system and she was radiant for the rest of the day. This amount of sensation would have been way too much for many women. How can we know what we really need unless we experiment and discover our own limits?

Many women will say that their clitoris is so sensitive that they must immediately stop stimulation the moment that they come. I used to say the same thing until I saw Annie Sprinkle in one of her videos demonstrating a 5-minute orgasm. She had a little clock keeping time in the upper corner of the screen and she just kept stimulating herself (with this same Magic Wand, of course) and the pleasure just kept coming and coursing through her body. It dawned on me that I had never really allowed myself to have more than a minimum of pleasure, using the lame excuse that I was just too sensitive down there. Closer to the truth was that I didn’t think I deserved more than the minimum. Thanks to Annie, I began to experiment with giving myself more and allowing more and it changed my whole pleasure picture. I discovered that I had set unnecessary and unrealistic limitations for myself and that in fact my body was capable of much, much more.


4. Take responsibility for yourself and your pleasure!

In a perfect world, men would be hard and women would be wet. Unfortunately, the way we often enter into our sexual play with one another is with the opposite expectation: he must make me wet and I must make him hard. This is a terrible burden on both sides, hardly ever works and creates animosity, separation and blame instead of pleasure. The expectation that my partner must somehow do it for me is a total perversion of our sexuality. There is a world of difference between communicating your desires to my partner and expecting that he will get me off. Many women assume that their partner is responsible for her orgasm and the quality of their relationship stands or falls upon his ability to figure out what she needs in order to come. If you find yourself lying on your back staring listlessly at the ceiling while your partner patiently tries to illicit a response from your genitals, I invite you to look again at the pattern of helplessness and passivity that has taken root in your relationship. In a healthy interaction with a partner, I bring my awareness of my own body, my desire and my juice and my partner brings his and together within the energy of the moment, we create an ever renewing dance.

It is essential for women to experiment with their pleasure and discover what they really need and want in order to move into ecstasy. I believe that every woman should have a good vibrator and use it regularly with or without a partner. We need to be able to experience the full pleasure potential of our bodies without having to rely on a partner to "give” us pleasure. Your body and your pleasure are your own, so don’t be a beggar in bed! Sharing your pleasure with a partner is something that you may choose to do but it is important to understand that this is your gift to give or withhold according to your own design. Many women think that having pleasure on her own is a betrayal of her partner. This is an insidious, deep-rooted mental program intended to keep women small, helpless and eternally dependant on the penis. So forget about it and start taking seriously your own body and her erotic needs and desires!


5. Rejoice, Dance, Celebrate and Live!

We have all spent so many years working through our dramas. Most women that I meet have spent a good deal of time in some form of therapy either traditional or alternative. Most have looked at their childhood, their traumas, their issues, and their problems and have invested a lot of time and money healing their wounds. If you have read this far, I suspect that you too have done a lot of work on yourself. Congratulations on a job well done!

I invite you to now change course and let go of your "hard work” approach. It’s time to start celebrating yourself instead. Like most other women, I too have spent a good portion of my life learning through suffering. I was, like most of us, addicted to pain and suffering and had no idea that there was an alternative. Somewhere along the line, I got tired of my drama and I gave it up, kicked the habit, got free. I don’t go that route any more.

The gift I give women is to help them see that suffering is not the only path through life. We can learn through joy as well. Deciding to have a joyful life full of sexual pleasure and erotic fulfillment instead of a life of tragedy and suffering is a choice that I invite you to make. It sounds so simple and in fact it is. Run, play, dance, celebrate, have lots of big juicy orgasms and LIVE.

More next month.


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