Self-Pleasuring: Life Beyond Foreplay Part 2 Maggie Tapert

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The Energy of Orgasm
Many women have never received enough stimulation to discover their true orgasmic potential. Even if you have orgasms easily and regularly, your body is capable of so much more than you probably realize. The question is: Are you content with bread and water, or do you want your life to become a feast?

There are many ways to achieve an orgasm. The clitoris loves being stroked and caressed and she will politely thank you even if you only occasionally toss her a crust of old bread. Using a finger under the covers in the dark may bring you to orgasm but I don’t consider this to be a feast of pleasure. Fingers are what we know and have used since childhood to silently get ourselves off. And while the intensity of stimulation that can be achieved may be adequate to bring you over the top it is not as thrilling as it can be when the entire pelvis is released from it’s habitual state of tension. To find the kind of deep release that frees up all the energy in the lower body, something more powerful is required than a moistened fingertip.

In my seminars, I introduce women to masturbation with a powerful electric vibrator—the Hitachi Magic Wand. I have often observed that the intense vibration produced by this tool opens the entire pelvic region, releasing blocked energy that may have been held there for years. This profound release can open many of the energetic pathways that are essential to women’s wellbeing. Allowing sexual energy to return to its naturally active flow is the best thing you can do for your mental, physical, and emotional health. I believe that a lot of pelvic disease could be reduced or avoided altogether if women restored and enhanced the natural flow of energy in this region.

At the most basic level, orgasm is energy in motion. Energy builds and collects in the body until enough intensity has accumulated to push through all hindrances and barriers with explosive force. When the vulva is stimulated, there is increased blood flow and engorgement throughout the genitals. Heart rate and blood pressure rise, and continued stimulation leads to the release that we call orgasm. Imagine a volcano that erupts, releasing a forceful flow of fiery lava that was restrained for years beneath the Earth’s surface. This manifestation of energy catapulting through your body can be experienced as pleasure or pain, depending on how much energy you allow to collect and how capable you are of supporting the experience of release—either surrendering and flowing with it, or closing down and resisting it.

The most common experience of orgasm is associated with the intense stimulation of the genitals. But the fact is, orgasm can occur throughout the body. Orgasm can result in many different responses on many different levels, depending on time, circumstance, and intensity. I once had an orgasm in my heart when a group of people sent streams of love to me. But for now, let’s focus on what most people consider the Cadillac of human experience: genital orgasm.


Clitoral Consciousness
I have found that almost all women are orgasmic, given the right frame of mind and the right stimulation. Still, most women I meet need to give themselves permission to experience a lot more pleasure than they’re used to. The first step to greater sexual fulfillment is to decide that you actually want more, bigger, and better orgasms. Once you’ve made that decision, you need only take the next small but crucial step: giving yourself permission to have great orgasms. You have to tell yourself that it’s perfectly okay, absolutely normal and definitely within your rights as a human being to become powerfully orgasmic!

If a woman tells me that she has never had an orgasm, I always ask for more detail. Often there is a basic lack of understanding about how the female body works, what orgasm is and what it feels like, and how to create favorable conditions for it to happen. Some women know the basics but have never received sufficient stimulation, although they might not realize this is the problem. Others have never touched themselves. They might not understand the anatomy of the vulva yet continue to hope for the big bang each time a partner penetrates them—convinced that with sufficient love or concentration, or both, orgasm will eventually result.

Having an orgasm means letting go, giving up control, surrendering to the flow. For some women, this is an extremely difficult or even scary proposition. While there are many reasons why women struggle with orgasm, I have found that most of them are mental or emotional, and very seldom physical. That’s good news and means that change is possible. With very few exceptions, the clitoris, the core of your most profound sexual pleasure, is alive and well and waiting to be awakened.

In a recent seminar, I observed a participant named Corinne using a vibrator in one of our self-pleasuring sessions. She had been stimulating herself for what seemed like a very long time. Just when I was about to suggest that she take a break and start again later, she switched the vibrator to high and intensified the stimulation. I was amazed, because this machine is really powerful and the high setting is almost unendurably strong. I watched for a moment longer and Corinne had a massive orgasm that sent shivers through all the women in the room. Corinne’s experience confirmed what I had already suspected: many women crave the type of intense stimulation that they seldom—if ever—get in their usual sexual contacts with a partner, or even from their own hand. Corinne’s body was very resilient and strong, and she needed to experience deep and prolonged sensation to get over the top. Her extremely powerful orgasm cleansed and purged her entire system, and she was radiant for the rest of the day. The level of sensation Corinne enjoyed would have been way too much for many women. But how can you possibly know what you really need unless you experiment and discover your own limits?


Prioritizing Pleasure
To explore the outer boundaries of your pleasure potential and allow yourself to enjoy multiple orgasms, you need safety and privacy. You need to escape the responsibilities of your everyday life and make space to connect with yourself physically and emotionally. It is essential to set aside time when you can lock the bedroom door, turn off the phone, send your partner and kids away to the movies, and be alone. Take this time for yourself regularly by scheduling it just as you do your weekly workout or manicure. We all have busy schedules, but if you don’t put “pleasure research” at the top of your to-do list, humdrum or nonexistent sex will remain humdrum or nonexistent. If it is radical change that you seek, you must create space for it to happen and teach your loved ones to respect your need to have this private sphere.

So what do you need to get started on your adventure? A good vibrator, a slick dildo, maybe some nipple clips—there are a whole host of toys that can enhance your sensual experience and increase your pleasure. The trick is to experiment. There is no correct way to come and no perfect toy that works for all women. You have to discover what thrills you and what consistently leads to powerful orgasm. This is how you become a sex goddess. By finding that place inside yourself that radiates authentic, powerful female energy—and allowing it to grow and expand—you become authentically sexy.


Over-the-Top Pleasure
Orgasm is so individual. Once you have the freedom to experiment with pleasure, you may discover that you can reach peak after peak of divine ecstasy. Some women believe they can only come once and that’s it for the next twenty-four hours. This may be the case for male sexuality but does not reflect the truth about female orgasm potential. For us, the sky is quite literally the limit. I have found that after my first orgasm with my vibrator, I reach a plateau where my system is charged up and awake, and blood courses through my body. It feels great to continue stimulating myself, maybe moving the vibrator around to other areas—my back, breasts, legs, hips—anyplace that still holds tension, and then return to the vulva. If the clitoris feels too tender, I move the vibrator away for a few minutes and return when it feels good again. At this juncture, it is as if all the energy barriers in the pelvis are down and unlimited additional orgasms are possible. After a session like this, all the stiffness in my neck and back magically disappears, my mind clears, and I’ll feel like I could take on the world. Try it!

But please remember, everyone has her own sexual response, and it can change from day to day, place to place, and time to time. You don’t have to resemble a porn star to achieve the sexual satisfaction that is right for you. The point is to push the limits that have been arbitrarily set for you from the outside and to determine, for yourself, what you really want and need to attain powerful, fulfilling sexual pleasure.

If you’re using a Magic Wand, I highly recommend placing a folded, dry washcloth between the vulva and the vibrating head. For many women, the intensity of the vibration is too much for the tender skin of the clitoris. During a long session without protection, the surface of the clitoris could become sensitive and raw. A soft cloth will give you cushioning, yet the sensation will still be powerful. To enjoy each orgasm to the fullest, try using your breath to fan the fire. Holding your breath is a real pleasure killer and will reduce the intensity of the orgasm when it finally arrives. You need to breathe deeply and fully—down into the belly and beyond. When the blood is full of oxygen, you feel better, you move better, and your orgasmic potential expands a hundredfold. So when you reach a pleasure plateau, breathe deeply and fully, pull the breath down into your genitals and notice how sensation expands and spreads throughout your body.

Sound will further increase your pleasure. Yes, that’s right, a woman having an orgasm can make an enormous amount of noise! If you don’t let out a peep when you come, you may end up with a headache, energetic constipation, or worse. No one should ever have to ask you “did you come?” A female orgasm, one that is a welcome and free expression of the powerful energy within you called LIFE, is by nature fiery and loud. If your orgasm takes place without sound effects, energy is probably not moving unimpeded. The moment that vibrator hits my groin, I let out the first sigh: “Ahhhhhh!” Pleasure increases and I keep connecting sound to my breath—not words, just sound—and when I get really close to orgasm, the volume usually increases quite a bit as well. I don’t force it, I don’t push it, I allow it. At first, letting your joyful song emerge may feel ridiculous or even embarrassing, but once again, we are looking at one of our cultural programs meant to control female pleasure. Silent orgasms are a badge of shame.

Orgasm means giving up control. You need to find every possible way to release control, and your voice can help you do this. Give yourself permission to make noise and notice what a difference it makes. Even if it’s just a tiny squeak at first, make up your mind and start today. Over the years, I have observed hundreds of women in the throes of orgasm, and let me tell you, it’s a beautiful thing to behold. When women release their habitual inner patterns of control and repression, when they allow themselves to breathe and enjoy their bodies, when they let the energy move and open their throats to the flow of deep pleasure, the whole world begins to dance. If you are concerned about your neighbors hearing your cries of joy, put your favorite singer on the CD player and join right in when the time is right.

Once you’ve become comfortable with this level of orgasmic sexuality, you may or may not want to bring your vibrator to bed with your partner and let him (or her) witness the real you. That’s a personal decision. Let me assure you that this is an excellent way to enhance partner sex. Rather than learning more and more tips and tricks to turn him on, let him see what it looks like when you take responsibility for your own pleasure and choose to share this knowledge. This is a truly revolutionary act for women, and I predict it will bring a lot of healing into our bedrooms.


Your Orgasm Is Your Responsibility, Not His
Women arrive at my seminars convinced that they need a man in order to experience sexual pleasure and reach orgasm. “Real” sex is what you experience with a man, or so they say. But I have found that women can expand their sexual enjoyment tremendously when they take responsibility for their own pleasure instead of leaving it up to their poor, unsuspecting partners. Your sexuality cannot be controlled by a lover or partner. I promise you, you will never be kissed and sexually awakened by the prince of your dreams. That only happens in fairytales. You may love him dearly, but he is not the author of your sexual fulfillment. He may participate in your pleasure, he may dance with you and celebrate your joyful orgiastic ecstasy, but you alone are responsible for the pleasure that you experience. You alone decide when, with whom, and for how long. No one can ever pull an orgasm out of you against your will. You alone have the ability to let go and reach the sensual release of an orgasm. Or not. As long as you continue to give up responsibility for your sexual response, you place an extremely heavy burden on your partner and on the loving relationship that you hope to share.

If you love your partner, and you want to be a good lover and enjoy a playful, fulfilling sex life together, the very best thing you can do is learn to improve your own orgasm. Don’t expect him to do the work. It is your responsibility to uncover your unique sexual identity, not his. When you do so, your life will change—and his may as well. Don’t get me wrong; self-loving is not a replacement for partner sex. It is something that you should be doing regularly for yourself quite apart from what you do in bed with a lover. It is like brushing your teeth or washing your face—it belongs in the repertoire of natural, everyday female hygiene. It’s your responsibility to keep your pleasure bank account full at all times. And from these riches are built a sound and vibrant sexual identity.
Exercise: The Self-Pleasuring Ritual
For this exercise, you will need approximately two-and-a-half hours. Reserve some time when you will not be disturbed.

You will need:
Candles
A Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator
A few new sex toys (dildos, etc.)
A small, dry washcloth
Your favorite CDs
Delicious-smelling massage oil and/or lubricant
A clean bath towel and fresh bed sheets
A Journal or Workbook and a pen
An alarm clock

Send your spouse/children/friends/roommates off to the movies. Turn off the phone. Put a fresh sheet on the bed. Draw a hot bath with your favorite bath essence or oil. Place as many candles as you have available around your tub and beside your bed. Light the candles. Adjust the temperature in your bedroom so you will feel comfortably warm. If you like incense, light some so that the environment feels and smells good to you. Before you get into the bath, assemble all your toys and oils beside your bed. Plug in your Magic Wand. Set the alarm clock so it goes off twenty minutes before you’ll need to return to reality. Play a favorite CD. Climb into your bath and begin to relax. Breathe deeply, letting the cares of the day slide away with every exhalation. Don’t do anything—just soak for a while and relax.

When you are ready, get out of the tub, towel off, and climb into those fresh, clean sheets. Lovingly apply some of your sweet-smelling body oil to your warm, damp skin. Take your time. Be generous. Give yourself luxurious, oily caresses, including around your vulva, and tell yourself that it’s okay to enjoy yourself. Then stop, lean back, rest, and feel your whole body. Notice your breathing. Relax. Breathe deeply.

Begin experimenting with your vibrator. Turn it to the low setting and move it around your body to get used to the vibration. Let it rest on any areas where you feel cramped or tight. When you are ready, place the folded, dry washcloth over your vulva and rest the vibrator on top of the cloth. Keep breathing! Notice what you feel. Stop if you need to, or continue for as long as you like. Try different degrees of pressure. If it feels too intense, back off for a while. Move the head of the vibrator up above your clitoris, onto the pubic bone or on your belly, and then back down between your legs, closer to the opening of your vagina. Go slowly. See what feels good, what’s too much, and what’s too little. Explore, experiment, enjoy.

If you want to include other toys, begin to do so after you have had your first orgasm. After we come, our vaginas are much more welcoming because they become wet, warm, and swollen with pleasure. If your vagina feels too dry for comfort, apply lubricant to your toy before inserting it. Experiment with this as well. If something doesn’t feel good, stop. If it feels great, by all means, keep going. Have as many orgasms as you like until you feel nourished and satisfied. Take your time and don’t hurry.

When you have had enough, lie back and rest until the alarm goes off. You now have twenty minutes left. Take at least five minutes to write in your journal about your ritual. What was great? What will you do again? What will you change? What kinds of fantasies came up? What do you want to remember? Where do you want to go from here?

Put away all your toys and your journal. Tidy up your space. Have a cup of tea if you like. Schedule your next ritual on your calendar and make a commitment to continue with your investigation of pleasure and self-love. Remember, practice makes perfect!


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Self-Pleasuring: Life Beyond Foreplay (Part 1)